I know what you're going through...and it's going to be okay
Depression and/or anxiety is no joking matter, and for as much as people share information on the web, it still is a very young illness. We still have experimental drugs, therapy methods and misunderstandings about it. But I am here to tell you that you do matter. That there are reasons for you to be here. That even though it is hard you are going to get through this. Please understand you are not weak just because you struggle to get out of bed. You are not a failure because things become to hard to handle on your own. I know what its like to be curled up in the fetal position in your bed, staring at the ceiling with no more tears to cry. I understand that it was hard to shower, brush your teeth or even answer the phone.
Please don't be scared to reach out for help. Those that truly care about you will do everything in there power to help you. Once you climb out the darkness you will be able to see them again. Don't be afraid to reach out to professionals, don't be scared to send a million text messages to friends. Hell message me, I'll chat with you. Start small, don't try to tackle the large things all at once.
I promise you that you are important, you mean something. We are not meant to live just to want to die. This world is messy and painful and you are not alone in feeling this. Having confidence and loving yourself takes tons of work and most of us struggle with working on that. People sometimes don't see things that are hiding under the surface. Trust me when I saw that if we work together we can be a much better society. Be there for friends, loved ones and show kindness to someone you think is struggling.
I am here for you and I will always try to be honest in my blogs. I want to show you that you are not alone. That no matter what your background is that mental illness is a very real thing. Am I nervous about seeing a psychologist? Of course I am. But I know that I will finally be able to voice out the demons that hang inside of me. Do what you have to do to seek the help you need. You matter to me, to someone and to yourself.
*In effort not to write an entire novel and save some of the gory details for another day, I have left some details out about the past few weeks. I will however update you on progress and therapy sessions as they arrive. Stay strong and remember you are loved. <3
Love and Hugs Everyone
I am and have always been a hopeful romantic. Love was always something that inspired and intrigued me. It was always amazing to me that you could give your heart to someone and they would return the favor. Sadly this image got broken down over the years. In my twenties my impulsive nature and desire to have a wildfire love got me into a lot of trouble.
I chased after every "bad boy" I could. I wanted to be the change they desired, the wild fire that kept them in check. I wanted to rule over the city and be a power couple. So I got exactly what I asked for, and I was not prepared. The bad boys I was chasing after were exactly that, bad. They weren't alphas, leaders or had any real ambition. These guys ended up being abusive, controlling and got me into soooooooo much trouble.
While the perks of dating the bad boys were fun; club owners knowing our names, VIP tables, and free food/drinks. I also dealt with the many repercussions. I was addicted to the entertainment, attention and false sense of power.
One of the main things that effected me throughout these years was the mental abuse I received. While it may be easy for some to say, "it's in the past, don't bring it to your future," I will always have certain scars that won't go away. When dealing with someone that not only has had experiences with physical abuse but mental as well, we often find ourselves contradicting each and every thought.
When you're a victim of abuse you find yourself feeling broken, because that's exactly how you're attacker wants you to feel. You're told what to wear, how to act, what to say, and sometimes what to think. So when you finally break free from that cycle you continue to second guess yourself. You are constantly reminded of how you aren't good enough and most of the time are reminded of how lucky you are to be in a relationship with that person.
You experience things such as; anxiety, depression, displacement of feelings, gas lighting, body shaming and more. It's a constant cycle of building them up the more they tear you down. They make you feel as if everything they do wrong is your fault somehow. And sadly you apologize for everything bc of this.
Now, in this thirty something chapter of my life I am taking the time to undo the years of scars I have allowed to be placed on me. I have learned one important thing, we aren't made to feel broken. We aren't here to be unloved, damaged or put down to make others feel better. So what does it mean when someone says they feel broken? How to we repair ourselves when we think we're damaged? How do we allow ourselves to trust again?
When someone says they feel broken, it usually means that they've been put down so much that they forget the pieces that make them special. Sadly for most people coming out of abusive relationships it goes way beyond mending pieces back together. This person finds it hard to believe anything positive about themselves, they find it impossible for someone to love them. They don't understand why anyone would want to be with someone as crazy as they feel. It's a constant battle between wanting to be loved and scared for someone to try. And worse, they constantly fight their happiness. They feel as if anything happy is fake or short lived. They wait for that wrong turn around that wrong corner. Always waiting for the bottom to fall.
So how do we break the cycle? How is it that we wake up each day learning to try again? We have to start with ourselves. We have to learn that even though we feel damaged and broken that there is still something to love about ourselves. No matter how bitter or insecure we get, there is always hope.
Loving yourself when you feel broken (or damaged) can seem like a daunting task. It can feel as if you're staring at yourself in along dark cave. Wanting to reach out but also not knowing how to accept the hand. It can feel as if you are all alone but nothing special. And sometimes it takes good friends to pull you out and help get you back on track.
It's a long road but know that you can do it. You aren't meant to live life feeling as if you're just waiting for something to happen or old age to creep upon you. You are meant to feel unloved because you are love. We are all beautiful and this world has just eaten up what makes us perfectly imperfect. We don't need to look better, work certain roles, live certain ways, just to feel accepted, just to feel love. You can overcome this. Even as I struggle with this everyday, I know in my heart that as long as I can learn to love myself, I can also love others.
To all the people who would love a person who feels broken, it can be tough at times. We constantly need reassurance, our insecurities are like daggers and the most important part is the understanding. We will second guess ourselves all the time, we are forever wondering why you chose to be with us (friend or significant other), we will find ways to push you away as to protect ourselves. It isn't because we don't want you, it isn't because we want you to be upset with us and leave, we feel as if it's the only understanding we know. What we see at the end of our struggle is the fact that you're still standing there waiting for us. So for all of you that put up with our growth and development we are more grateful than you'll realize.
To to all those that feel damage, broken or unwanted. You are loved. It may not be in a way that you quite understand yet but it's there. Keep at it, keep trying. It will be hard and sometimes you'll feel as if you want to give up, but just keep going.
Much love over and hugs guys!
How was your June? Miss me? With all the blogs, articles and social media posts I'm happy to be back in your sights again. While I truly wanted to write more the past month the inspiration was lacking. Not that I didn't have anything to share, just knew it wasn't the right time. Most of the things I was going through would have made me incredibly depressing to read.
The start art of the summer was less than one would have been excited for. It was a big month of growth and learning. I was struggling hard with my anxiety and fighting a spiral that was trying to drag me to the bottom of my sheets. I was mean, sort, sensitive and uncontrollable anger for the world around me. It was a place I dislike going because it is the side of me I find hardest to love.
I was trying to hold onto a rope that was loose at both ends. I knew I was pushing people away as well as sabotaging my own happiness. I was scared that if I enjoyed the happiness it would suddenly go away. Pretty ridiculous I know. I felt as if everything that was bringing me joy was slipping away. And the repeated excuse was because I was moving.
Moving! Omg how could I forget one of the biggest reasons for my stress...moving across country. As much as I would like to pretend I'm not freaking out, I'm suddenly aware of the ball of nerves curled up in my stomach. While I'll admit the excitement of this epic adventure is still there, the reality of getting out there is a daunting task on my plate. Leaving everything I know to experience everything I have yet to explore. It's a wild thought. Finding a place, getting stuff out there, saying goodbye for who knows how long. It's wild.
Something I witnessed while I was going through last months emotional roller coaster, was the epidemic of false positivity. Everywhere I looked it was as if no one wanted to relate to reality. No one was mentioning that they felt the same at times, that they had bad days. I was getting mixed reactions when I would talk to others. Some would tell me to grin and move on, some would say it's okay to fall apart at times and then there were some that told me that I had to *fake it till I felt it. *Side note: this can be true in most situations, but understand you have to heal the pain first.
There were very few bloggers showing the darker side of their souls, social media is full of fake reality and false positivity. False positivity is when you only talk about how wonderful things are going but are lying about your reality. It's not being honest with yourself or others. False positivity is when we fall apart but tell others how easy it is to fix "our" lives. Because we want the world to believe that we have the happiest, most movie-esque life. I get it, it's hard to take a step back and realize you're needing a moment. We have perceived trying to be weakness and perfection to be the norm. It's very disorienting.
I had to take a step back and analyze what I was doing. Was I taking art of the fakeness? Was I sharing false positivity to friends, family and followers? The sad truth, yes I was. I was pretending like everything was okay, I was lying and putting up a good front. Cause why would anyone want to see me loosing my grip on life at the moment. I wasn't taking care of my reality. I wasn't being authentic.
It's okay to have bad days, or weeks. It's okay to fall apart and pick yourself up. Multiple times in your life. No one really has their shit together, as much as they like to portray it that way. We don't have to be strong all the time. Go easy on yourself and be patient. Remember that what we see online is only a glimpse into someone's actual life and what they are going through. Be honest with yourself and your loved ones.
You have come so far in life, making it day by day and trying each and every morning. It's okay to take time to build your life. It is always okay to start over several times. It is never to late to start your dreams or get back into the saddle. Don't let the world of social media make you feel as if you're less of a person.
Where to begin...
The past couple of months has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and introspection. Time is flying by me and I feel as if I had the rug pulled up from under my feet in one feel swoop. As if I am suddenly unprepared for my life and what I am trying to achieve. I started to feel those depressive triggers and just wanted to lock myself up in my apartment where I was safe. So what was it that got me to feel that way?
Why, with all the good, did I feel so bad?
In less than six months I will be in a whole new place, I am leaving everything I know behind me. For years I have been asking for an adventure, a new chapter in my life. Something to excite and scare me at the same time. I thought what I wanted was on a smaller scale. But it was much more than that, it was a burning desire to explore the wild side of me again. That side that I so loved in my twenties and slowly let slip by me. What in the actual *beep*? The past couple of months I have been struggling with the move, crushes/dating and my self image. All things that I could probably easily work out but for some reason it has left me frizzled.
I wanted to be impulsive and free spirited. To fuel the fire I let burn out.
In March my friend and I went out to Colorado to do some research and planning. I could barely control my excitement while I was there. Driving by the mountains I will soon call home, the landscapes and people, all of it. The feeling of freedom pulsing through my veins. We had so much fun while exploring our future home. Trying new foods, climbing rocks and finding things on our hikes. This was it, this was my next stop in life, the wildness of Colorado. An unknown territory and it was all mine for the taking. The entire week was filled with laughter, nerves, and uncontrollable urge to run wild. It was amazing and something that I haven't felt in a long time. This was the feeling I had been wanting to chase again.
Then it happened, I got home and realized that life is right there, happening in front of me.
The week following my return I was left with that sinking feeling of anxiety. I was scared and overwhelmed by what was unfolding before my eyes. Now let me say that moving is nothing new to me. Growing up and living in two different places has been something I am incredibly used to. But this, moving across country and leaving my friends and family behind. That is something I am still having to learn how to deal with and it is so hard. In the past few years I have become very dependent on my inner circle. always having them to fall back on, call on when needed and run to when things get rough. When my darkness takes over I know I can reach my hand out and someone will always be there to grab it and pull me back out. Now I will be in a place where "running by their house" will be more than a car ride over.
It wasn't just the move that was bringing the darkness of ego closer.
While things with the move were smoothing out April brought on a whole other set of challenges. The challenges of self worth, dating and being comfortable in my own skin. I am one of those girls who gets super nervous at the thought of "dating". Dating now a days is way more complicated than I ever remembered it being. I do not like dating sites/apps. To me that is like going shopping for your "ideal" image of a mate. You're not seeing the real person, you're seeing the best projected version. We all want to seem as if we always have great days, as if waking up with makeup on perfectly is an every day thing, and to always pose in the perfect position. Hey I am a master selfie taker now, I know what angels work for me and the ones that I only share to my friends on snap chat.
But that's not fulfilling, I want more than the perfect person.
I am an Empath, I feel and deal with energy differently than others. dating apps/sites have never worked for me because I always feel as if people are hiding things about themselves. Plus after being in a long term relationship I am for lack of a better term, rusty in the dating game. But I was open and ready to try again. I put myself out there, talking to new people, going to events and even making a few connections. I also got up the courage to talk to guys I found interesting and attractive. Things looked as if they were looking up, I wasn't missing my ex and I wasn't feeling rushed to jumped back into a relationship either. I was getting a chance to experience the waters and somewhat enjoying the situation.
Then I had to deal with self doubt that was rushing towards me.
During the course of this new dating phase I met a couple of people that I felt completely drawn to. I mean the magnetic pull was so intense that it would take my breath and voice away. Feelings I had not felt for years had rushed back to me, the feeling of having a crush. I was smiling at random times, giggling when they would message me, and the thought of seeing them was super exciting. Keep in mind that I still was scared shitless because of all the other things going on in my life and not ready for anything serious. I just wanted to be present in the moment and keep things simple. But with all the connection and talking there was something missing. The follow through, there was all this talk about meeting up, going out, or hanging out. But only to set up plans and then see that I was given the shaft. To be given the same excuses I have heard before.
Then I had to deal with the insecurities that were building up within me again.
I was dealing with the same bs self worth issues I have always had to deal with. The feeling of doubt, image and the way I am. I must admit that dating nowadays absolutely confuses me, I don't understand what a fu<* boy is, what ghosted means, or why the hell do these guys ask for your number but then never ask you out? Or you have the complete opposite. Random dudes messaging you on social media, guys you don't even know blowing up your phone wanting to take you out. I mean I even have one dude sending me shopping lists of items he wants to get me. Is this what dating is like today? What an absolute mess! I could go on and on but that's not really what I want to write about.
My insecurities were getting so heavy I gave up on fighting them.
By the end of April and even to the beginning of May I felt absolutely horrible. I would tell myself that I was to ugly to be liked, to weird, to nerdy, to fat, you name it and I probably told it to myself. I refused to believe that the guys that I was chasing after were the ones I knew would hurt me. those broken hearted bad boys that drove my insides wild by didn't care if they hurt my heart. Was I chasing after my ex to make me feel better about being dumped? Probably? I was getting passive reasoning as to why I wasn't being asked out for a second time or as to why "guys" never liked me. honestly I look back as I'm typing this and I just want to shake myself.
A video from a male's view on dating nowadays was sent to me and it changed everything.
In this video this guy was talking about how it is so hard to date today because of all the ways we idolize perfection and the next best thing. We scroll through dating apps only looking at pictures and brief descriptions of ourselves. It's so easy to place ourselves in a world of "comfort and safety" not to mention laziness when it comes to dating. We get bored with one person and move on to the next, just with a swipe or click. That when we get into a relationship and things get rough instead of trying to work it out, we go to our phones to see "what's greener on the other side". By minute five of this video this guy had me sobbing he touched so many cords. I started to realize that people are ignoring the things that actually make them amazing. Including myself. I wanted the world to know I was feeling amazing, I was looking better than ever. To some degree I am, I have lost weight, started working out. But I still felt lonely, I still felt rejected. I still had those feelings of not being wanted.
While the end of April was a struggle filled with tears and several mini pity parties. I knew when I got to the point of wanting to give up on everything I loved just to be loved, I knew I needed to reevaluate what I was dealing with. I wanted to give up writing, moving, gaming, everything. I just hated the things that made me different. I just kept telling myself that if I acted like other girls then the guys would want to date me. When in fact it was the exact opposite that I needed to do. This isn't something new, I have been dealing with self confidence issues since I was young. I was always the outsider, the wild one, the cute one.
So I decided to get back to that girl that I had buried beneath the scars and pain.
This past week I did some major soul searching. I started a journal again, got the courage to ramble in my blog again, and put an end to letting the rejection of others kill the projection of myself. I realized that we come to accept and love others through their imperfections. Imperfection is what makes us unique. I may not be able to walk sexily in heels, put on extensive makeup, or know exactly what to say at the right moment. But damn if I'm not gonna make it work for me. I'm klutzy, goofy, and know way more about Lord of the Rings than I do designers. But that's me and why would I want to change that. Why did I want to change that?
Why did I want to change who I was just to be liked by someone those who don't like who they are?
We all want to feel accepted, to feel important. I get it. We want to ignore the things that we hate about ourselves but if we opened our eyes they are the reasons others love us. What are your imperfections? What are the ways that you feel insecure? Take them and turn them in to the reasons you are different and beautiful. We have to start loving ourselves more than just a selfie, more than a blog post, more than what a crush says to us. We have to start seeing the things that make us truly amazing. I need to stop messing with my imperfections and love them for what they are...my own personal perfections.
In the past couple of weeks have you felt sluggish, irritable, moody, or extremely insecure? Have past and present issues surrounding love been popping up? On March 4th Venus, ruler of love and emotions, went into retrograde. If you follow my blog you'll know that I often blog about being effected when Mercury goes retrograde. Venus rules all manner and matters of love. Self worth, esteem, creative talents, art beauty of self and our surroundings. She also rules over finance and abundance.
Now just like all retrogrades now is a time to make room in our lives and hearts for more love and abundance.
Set the standards higher and don't settle for anything less. At this time we may feel ourselves being extra critical but through this we can gain deep insight as to what we really want. At this time we may find ourselves looking into the past. Judging, regretting or feeling upset over what has been. Remember this doesn't serve anyone any good. But what you can do is look at the past gain wisdom from the situations, and move forward to a new beginning.
Don't fret if the love bug is on your mind. Venus will stir up some lusty or even lovey dovey vibes. Venus has a very impulsive and passionate nature. You may feel fate drawing you to someone and changing your immediate course at present time. Keep in mind what you truly want from her and try to see the difference between lust and love(like). These new love interest will hold a very unique and significant impact on our lives.
Here's the kicker. If you are feeling the effects of insecurity during this retrograde then now is not the time to make rash relationship decisions.
It is time to take yourself into consideration. Nurture yourself and give yourself some much needed love. Treat yourself as the goddess you truly are. You need not look outside yourself to feel wanted, accepted or desired.
I've been feeling with a lot of emotions lately. Mainly surrounding my self worth in relationships and even in my business goals. Wondering if I should bite the preverbal bullet and give up on all accounts. I kept telling myself that I was taking a much needed break,. I kept procrastinating on almost everything that has brought me joy. When your self worth is compromised you start to make excuses. You slowly deteriorate and become uninspired. It was at the start of this retrograde that I finally threw my hands up and yelled, "enough"!
I decided I needed to make a choice, I could give up or I could get up and keep trying.
Well I absolutely despise the thought of giving up. Almost to a fault. So I got my shit together, made some lists, burned some intentions and got back into the saddle. I know that I need to walk my walk and talk my talk. Even if you start off slowly, take breaks, have mini meltdowns, just keep going. Your journey is so important to your well being.
Things to look out for during Venus Retrograde:
"Magic only comes to those who believe in it."
Hi, I'm Bex!
Making my way through this 30 something life!
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