It all started this past July, around the same time as I last posted. I was sitting at my desk, busy at work when I received the phone call that changed everything. My father had a stroke and was in the hospital. Now being a daddy's girl, to say I freaked out would be an understatement. Immediately looking at flights and trying to do my job at the same time. The next two days I had to wait were extremely long. Then I finally got to hear his voice to hear he was doing okay.
I flew down to spend time with my father and family. He was cleared from the hospital to rest only having to return to do check ups. I was confident he was on the mend, seeing him be his usual strong self, and flew back home. I continued my life; work, exercise, play, even enrolling in courses to revamp my image and blog. I started a serious relationship which turns out to be my red string. I was talking to my parents and my father was just continuing to improve. Things started to go back to normal and my world was getting brighter.
Without question my boyfriend and I took leave from our jobs to rush down to be with my father and see what needed to be done. Packing up our lives and practically living in the car. The month of November he was his cheerful self, recovering from surgery and treatments. Nothing more than getting tired more often, or getting aggravated easier. We even encouraged him to get outside. Bringing him to Disney Springs to see the Holiday decorations and eat out. We all had a blast! Bonus he bonded with the boyfriend.
After a couple of weeks my father and I sat down to seriously talk about the reality of my situation. He has always been that way with me and I'm entirely grateful. He was admit of not letting me stop my life. Things were looking up, he was responding to treatments and medicine well. And all my hope became reinstated. He told me to go back home and take care of things. To prepare before I act. So we did. A few days later we were on our way back to Colorado to pack and plan out the rest of the year.
I was never one of those people to say things as "I can't believe this is happening," or "I never thought this could happen to me," for I knew that cancer has no prejudice. But seeing the slow decline of someone who is extremely important to you. It is devastating for lack of a better description of what I feel inside. Seeing my father barely able to lift his head or even eat on his own is terrifying. The hospital sent him home because there is nothing else they can do. They literally stopped doing anything for him other than "comfort" measures.
There have been serval sleepless nights and many trips to the bathroom to cry. Trying to stay as strong as possible while the world falls apart in front of me. I want to be here for everyone for I see what it is doing to my family. The emotions that none of us have experienced, the different ways we express our feelings and grief. Even though I know that we all must handle this in our own way, all that we can do is let time heal.
This is where faith and magic are needed most. At the times when we believe there is nothing left, no hope, no light to follow. This is the time to hold strong to our truths and push harder. I have begged and even yelled at the Gods/Goddesses to change this fate. Spout blasphemes words of renouncement and even tried to convince myself that magic isn't real. But through all this it made my faith even stronger than before. Hearing my guides whisper words of comfort and hope. Allowing me to be as present as possible and be grateful for each and every second I have with him.
Putting my feelings into words is very hard but it helps to know there are others out there going through the same thing. The feelings of sadness, pain and not fully understanding why. Never getting back time wasted or time given. To only have a short time to process a drastic loss in your life. You just have to have faith, and hope. Let hope guide you even if you lost your way.
"Life throws you obstacles, it does for everyone. But remember, there are no problems...only solutions."