I know what you're going through...and it's going to be okay
Depression and/or anxiety is no joking matter, and for as much as people share information on the web, it still is a very young illness. We still have experimental drugs, therapy methods and misunderstandings about it. But I am here to tell you that you do matter. That there are reasons for you to be here. That even though it is hard you are going to get through this. Please understand you are not weak just because you struggle to get out of bed. You are not a failure because things become to hard to handle on your own. I know what its like to be curled up in the fetal position in your bed, staring at the ceiling with no more tears to cry. I understand that it was hard to shower, brush your teeth or even answer the phone.
Please don't be scared to reach out for help. Those that truly care about you will do everything in there power to help you. Once you climb out the darkness you will be able to see them again. Don't be afraid to reach out to professionals, don't be scared to send a million text messages to friends. Hell message me, I'll chat with you. Start small, don't try to tackle the large things all at once.
I promise you that you are important, you mean something. We are not meant to live just to want to die. This world is messy and painful and you are not alone in feeling this. Having confidence and loving yourself takes tons of work and most of us struggle with working on that. People sometimes don't see things that are hiding under the surface. Trust me when I saw that if we work together we can be a much better society. Be there for friends, loved ones and show kindness to someone you think is struggling.
I am here for you and I will always try to be honest in my blogs. I want to show you that you are not alone. That no matter what your background is that mental illness is a very real thing. Am I nervous about seeing a psychologist? Of course I am. But I know that I will finally be able to voice out the demons that hang inside of me. Do what you have to do to seek the help you need. You matter to me, to someone and to yourself.
*In effort not to write an entire novel and save some of the gory details for another day, I have left some details out about the past few weeks. I will however update you on progress and therapy sessions as they arrive. Stay strong and remember you are loved. <3
Love and Hugs Everyone
I am and have always been a hopeful romantic. Love was always something that inspired and intrigued me. It was always amazing to me that you could give your heart to someone and they would return the favor. Sadly this image got broken down over the years. In my twenties my impulsive nature and desire to have a wildfire love got me into a lot of trouble.
I chased after every "bad boy" I could. I wanted to be the change they desired, the wild fire that kept them in check. I wanted to rule over the city and be a power couple. So I got exactly what I asked for, and I was not prepared. The bad boys I was chasing after were exactly that, bad. They weren't alphas, leaders or had any real ambition. These guys ended up being abusive, controlling and got me into soooooooo much trouble.
While the perks of dating the bad boys were fun; club owners knowing our names, VIP tables, and free food/drinks. I also dealt with the many repercussions. I was addicted to the entertainment, attention and false sense of power.
One of the main things that effected me throughout these years was the mental abuse I received. While it may be easy for some to say, "it's in the past, don't bring it to your future," I will always have certain scars that won't go away. When dealing with someone that not only has had experiences with physical abuse but mental as well, we often find ourselves contradicting each and every thought.
When you're a victim of abuse you find yourself feeling broken, because that's exactly how you're attacker wants you to feel. You're told what to wear, how to act, what to say, and sometimes what to think. So when you finally break free from that cycle you continue to second guess yourself. You are constantly reminded of how you aren't good enough and most of the time are reminded of how lucky you are to be in a relationship with that person.
You experience things such as; anxiety, depression, displacement of feelings, gas lighting, body shaming and more. It's a constant cycle of building them up the more they tear you down. They make you feel as if everything they do wrong is your fault somehow. And sadly you apologize for everything bc of this.
Now, in this thirty something chapter of my life I am taking the time to undo the years of scars I have allowed to be placed on me. I have learned one important thing, we aren't made to feel broken. We aren't here to be unloved, damaged or put down to make others feel better. So what does it mean when someone says they feel broken? How to we repair ourselves when we think we're damaged? How do we allow ourselves to trust again?
When someone says they feel broken, it usually means that they've been put down so much that they forget the pieces that make them special. Sadly for most people coming out of abusive relationships it goes way beyond mending pieces back together. This person finds it hard to believe anything positive about themselves, they find it impossible for someone to love them. They don't understand why anyone would want to be with someone as crazy as they feel. It's a constant battle between wanting to be loved and scared for someone to try. And worse, they constantly fight their happiness. They feel as if anything happy is fake or short lived. They wait for that wrong turn around that wrong corner. Always waiting for the bottom to fall.
So how do we break the cycle? How is it that we wake up each day learning to try again? We have to start with ourselves. We have to learn that even though we feel damaged and broken that there is still something to love about ourselves. No matter how bitter or insecure we get, there is always hope.
Loving yourself when you feel broken (or damaged) can seem like a daunting task. It can feel as if you're staring at yourself in along dark cave. Wanting to reach out but also not knowing how to accept the hand. It can feel as if you are all alone but nothing special. And sometimes it takes good friends to pull you out and help get you back on track.
It's a long road but know that you can do it. You aren't meant to live life feeling as if you're just waiting for something to happen or old age to creep upon you. You are meant to feel unloved because you are love. We are all beautiful and this world has just eaten up what makes us perfectly imperfect. We don't need to look better, work certain roles, live certain ways, just to feel accepted, just to feel love. You can overcome this. Even as I struggle with this everyday, I know in my heart that as long as I can learn to love myself, I can also love others.
To all the people who would love a person who feels broken, it can be tough at times. We constantly need reassurance, our insecurities are like daggers and the most important part is the understanding. We will second guess ourselves all the time, we are forever wondering why you chose to be with us (friend or significant other), we will find ways to push you away as to protect ourselves. It isn't because we don't want you, it isn't because we want you to be upset with us and leave, we feel as if it's the only understanding we know. What we see at the end of our struggle is the fact that you're still standing there waiting for us. So for all of you that put up with our growth and development we are more grateful than you'll realize.
To to all those that feel damage, broken or unwanted. You are loved. It may not be in a way that you quite understand yet but it's there. Keep at it, keep trying. It will be hard and sometimes you'll feel as if you want to give up, but just keep going.
Much love over and hugs guys!
How was your June? Miss me? With all the blogs, articles and social media posts I'm happy to be back in your sights again. While I truly wanted to write more the past month the inspiration was lacking. Not that I didn't have anything to share, just knew it wasn't the right time. Most of the things I was going through would have made me incredibly depressing to read.
The start art of the summer was less than one would have been excited for. It was a big month of growth and learning. I was struggling hard with my anxiety and fighting a spiral that was trying to drag me to the bottom of my sheets. I was mean, sort, sensitive and uncontrollable anger for the world around me. It was a place I dislike going because it is the side of me I find hardest to love.
I was trying to hold onto a rope that was loose at both ends. I knew I was pushing people away as well as sabotaging my own happiness. I was scared that if I enjoyed the happiness it would suddenly go away. Pretty ridiculous I know. I felt as if everything that was bringing me joy was slipping away. And the repeated excuse was because I was moving.
Moving! Omg how could I forget one of the biggest reasons for my stress...moving across country. As much as I would like to pretend I'm not freaking out, I'm suddenly aware of the ball of nerves curled up in my stomach. While I'll admit the excitement of this epic adventure is still there, the reality of getting out there is a daunting task on my plate. Leaving everything I know to experience everything I have yet to explore. It's a wild thought. Finding a place, getting stuff out there, saying goodbye for who knows how long. It's wild.
Something I witnessed while I was going through last months emotional roller coaster, was the epidemic of false positivity. Everywhere I looked it was as if no one wanted to relate to reality. No one was mentioning that they felt the same at times, that they had bad days. I was getting mixed reactions when I would talk to others. Some would tell me to grin and move on, some would say it's okay to fall apart at times and then there were some that told me that I had to *fake it till I felt it. *Side note: this can be true in most situations, but understand you have to heal the pain first.
There were very few bloggers showing the darker side of their souls, social media is full of fake reality and false positivity. False positivity is when you only talk about how wonderful things are going but are lying about your reality. It's not being honest with yourself or others. False positivity is when we fall apart but tell others how easy it is to fix "our" lives. Because we want the world to believe that we have the happiest, most movie-esque life. I get it, it's hard to take a step back and realize you're needing a moment. We have perceived trying to be weakness and perfection to be the norm. It's very disorienting.
I had to take a step back and analyze what I was doing. Was I taking art of the fakeness? Was I sharing false positivity to friends, family and followers? The sad truth, yes I was. I was pretending like everything was okay, I was lying and putting up a good front. Cause why would anyone want to see me loosing my grip on life at the moment. I wasn't taking care of my reality. I wasn't being authentic.
It's okay to have bad days, or weeks. It's okay to fall apart and pick yourself up. Multiple times in your life. No one really has their shit together, as much as they like to portray it that way. We don't have to be strong all the time. Go easy on yourself and be patient. Remember that what we see online is only a glimpse into someone's actual life and what they are going through. Be honest with yourself and your loved ones.
You have come so far in life, making it day by day and trying each and every morning. It's okay to take time to build your life. It is always okay to start over several times. It is never to late to start your dreams or get back into the saddle. Don't let the world of social media make you feel as if you're less of a person.
"Magic only comes to those who believe in it."
Hi, I'm Bex!
Loves Hot Pink
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