I have been procrastinating on writing this post not to mention almost closing my entire blog for a while. Knowing that I promised I would always be honest and somewhat transparent on here, being completely open about my personal life is somewhat daunting. Letting complete strangers learn about your triumphs is one thing but letting them know about the struggles you go through is something completely different. Aren't I supposed to be the one who knows what to do? Shouldn't I be the one that has the magical solution to problems? The truth is I am just as human as the next person. I turn my experiences into inspiration for others, but sometimes I need a little inspiration myself. This is one of those times. About a month ago my boyfriend decided that it was time he moved on and went his separate way leaving me crushed.
This ended up happening 2 weeks before our new lease started. I loved the apartment we were in but just could not afford it by myself. So here I was dumped, jobless and needing to find an apartment, I was feeling pretty low. All of my insecurities wanted to pop up and hand me my ego on a silver platter. But I decided that I had to get up and do what needed to be done. I went into instant survival mode. It was like I was saving face to avoid the reality of the situation. Not really the healthiest modality but it is what I had to do in order to get through a rough couple of weeks.
Survival mode actually helped me to realize something about myself, I a, stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. I knew I didn't have time to fall apart, I didn't have time to drown myself in ice cream, I knew I had to do what needed to be done. I immediately started looking for apartments, making plan b, c, and d. Started applying to part time positions and began to call upon my support network. Survival mode pushed back the tears and push the strength I needed forward. The only problem with survival mode is the fact that at some point I would have to deal with the hurt of the situation.
During the period of finding a place, packing and moving I wasn't allowing myself to actually feel. I was more stressed than I have been in a long time and my anxiety was on an all time high, It was also hard to go from being in a relationship to the friend zone. Living with him for the last two weeks was super hard. I felt as if I wasn't only losing my boyfriend, I felt as if I was loosing my best friend at the same time. But with all that on my mind, I kept somewhat calm and tried to be as kind as possible.
When I finally got the keys to my new place and the last box was moved in, I finally came to terms with what happened. It hit me hard, I couldn't actually believe that after 3 ½ years I was starting over and single again. This was someone I held in such high regard, I loved him, adored him and wanted a future with him. And just like that, it was done. I finally started to process the feelings inside. Feelings of love, hate, anger and even forgiveness. I finally was able to release what I had been holding in for so long. I slowly fell to the floor and just let my tears flow. The best part about releasing is the fact that it is the start of the healing process.
Something that I am entirely grateful for is I don't have to do this alone. I have an amazing support team that is helping me to get back on track, reminding me of my worth, lending a helping hand and shoulders to cry on. I can't thank my parents and friends enough for the long talks, snap chats, emails, and letting me talk things out. I am reminded everyday that I am strong, caring and fully capable of taking care of myself.
The silver lining to this post is that I know I can make it through the storm. I know that after the rain falls there will be a rainbow. I'm getting a second chance and clean slate to start a brand new chapter in my life. I have the creative freedom to take care of myself and starting my new life. I go to sleep and wake up each day reminding myself of all that I'm grateful for in my life.
Little by little and day by day I know things will get better and my heart will mend. I know that I will be able to continue to form a friendship even if it wasn't as it was before. I know that in time I will see why all this has happened. I know that I will be able to make it through this and help others to make it through there own stories.
I am ready to get my new life started and to continue to do the things that make me happy. This blog being one. I decided that this blog is one of my outlets. It is like a journal that reaches others and we can share our stories. I am ready for my next adventure, I'm ready to start again.
"To live, to live would be an awfully big adventure." -Peter Pan
"Magic only comes to those who believe in it."
Hi, I'm Bex!
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