The past couple of months has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and introspection. Time is flying by me and I feel as if I had the rug pulled up from under my feet in one feel swoop. As if I am suddenly unprepared for my life and what I am trying to achieve. I started to feel those depressive triggers and just wanted to lock myself up in my apartment where I was safe. So what was it that got me to feel that way?
Why, with all the good, did I feel so bad?
In less than six months I will be in a whole new place, I am leaving everything I know behind me. For years I have been asking for an adventure, a new chapter in my life. Something to excite and scare me at the same time. I thought what I wanted was on a smaller scale. But it was much more than that, it was a burning desire to explore the wild side of me again. That side that I so loved in my twenties and slowly let slip by me. What in the actual *beep*? The past couple of months I have been struggling with the move, crushes/dating and my self image. All things that I could probably easily work out but for some reason it has left me frizzled.
I wanted to be impulsive and free spirited. To fuel the fire I let burn out.
In March my friend and I went out to Colorado to do some research and planning. I could barely control my excitement while I was there. Driving by the mountains I will soon call home, the landscapes and people, all of it. The feeling of freedom pulsing through my veins. We had so much fun while exploring our future home. Trying new foods, climbing rocks and finding things on our hikes. This was it, this was my next stop in life, the wildness of Colorado. An unknown territory and it was all mine for the taking. The entire week was filled with laughter, nerves, and uncontrollable urge to run wild. It was amazing and something that I haven't felt in a long time. This was the feeling I had been wanting to chase again.
Then it happened, I got home and realized that life is right there, happening in front of me.
The week following my return I was left with that sinking feeling of anxiety. I was scared and overwhelmed by what was unfolding before my eyes. Now let me say that moving is nothing new to me. Growing up and living in two different places has been something I am incredibly used to. But this, moving across country and leaving my friends and family behind. That is something I am still having to learn how to deal with and it is so hard. In the past few years I have become very dependent on my inner circle. always having them to fall back on, call on when needed and run to when things get rough. When my darkness takes over I know I can reach my hand out and someone will always be there to grab it and pull me back out. Now I will be in a place where "running by their house" will be more than a car ride over.
It wasn't just the move that was bringing the darkness of ego closer.
But that's not fulfilling, I want more than the perfect person.
I am an Empath, I feel and deal with energy differently than others. dating apps/sites have never worked for me because I always feel as if people are hiding things about themselves. Plus after being in a long term relationship I am for lack of a better term, rusty in the dating game. But I was open and ready to try again. I put myself out there, talking to new people, going to events and even making a few connections. I also got up the courage to talk to guys I found interesting and attractive. Things looked as if they were looking up, I wasn't missing my ex and I wasn't feeling rushed to jumped back into a relationship either. I was getting a chance to experience the waters and somewhat enjoying the situation.
Then I had to deal with self doubt that was rushing towards me.
During the course of this new dating phase I met a couple of people that I felt completely drawn to. I mean the magnetic pull was so intense that it would take my breath and voice away. Feelings I had not felt for years had rushed back to me, the feeling of having a crush. I was smiling at random times, giggling when they would message me, and the thought of seeing them was super exciting. Keep in mind that I still was scared shitless because of all the other things going on in my life and not ready for anything serious. I just wanted to be present in the moment and keep things simple. But with all the connection and talking there was something missing. The follow through, there was all this talk about meeting up, going out, or hanging out. But only to set up plans and then see that I was given the shaft. To be given the same excuses I have heard before.
Then I had to deal with the insecurities that were building up within me again.
I was dealing with the same bs self worth issues I have always had to deal with. The feeling of doubt, image and the way I am. I must admit that dating nowadays absolutely confuses me, I don't understand what a fu<* boy is, what ghosted means, or why the hell do these guys ask for your number but then never ask you out? Or you have the complete opposite. Random dudes messaging you on social media, guys you don't even know blowing up your phone wanting to take you out. I mean I even have one dude sending me shopping lists of items he wants to get me. Is this what dating is like today? What an absolute mess! I could go on and on but that's not really what I want to write about.
My insecurities were getting so heavy I gave up on fighting them.
By the end of April and even to the beginning of May I felt absolutely horrible. I would tell myself that I was to ugly to be liked, to weird, to nerdy, to fat, you name it and I probably told it to myself. I refused to believe that the guys that I was chasing after were the ones I knew would hurt me. those broken hearted bad boys that drove my insides wild by didn't care if they hurt my heart. Was I chasing after my ex to make me feel better about being dumped? Probably? I was getting passive reasoning as to why I wasn't being asked out for a second time or as to why "guys" never liked me. honestly I look back as I'm typing this and I just want to shake myself.
A video from a male's view on dating nowadays was sent to me and it changed everything.
In this video this guy was talking about how it is so hard to date today because of all the ways we idolize perfection and the next best thing. We scroll through dating apps only looking at pictures and brief descriptions of ourselves. It's so easy to place ourselves in a world of "comfort and safety" not to mention laziness when it comes to dating. We get bored with one person and move on to the next, just with a swipe or click. That when we get into a relationship and things get rough instead of trying to work it out, we go to our phones to see "what's greener on the other side". By minute five of this video this guy had me sobbing he touched so many cords. I started to realize that people are ignoring the things that actually make them amazing. Including myself. I wanted the world to know I was feeling amazing, I was looking better than ever. To some degree I am, I have lost weight, started working out. But I still felt lonely, I still felt rejected. I still had those feelings of not being wanted.
So I decided to get back to that girl that I had buried beneath the scars and pain.
This past week I did some major soul searching. I started a journal again, got the courage to ramble in my blog again, and put an end to letting the rejection of others kill the projection of myself. I realized that we come to accept and love others through their imperfections. Imperfection is what makes us unique. I may not be able to walk sexily in heels, put on extensive makeup, or know exactly what to say at the right moment. But damn if I'm not gonna make it work for me. I'm klutzy, goofy, and know way more about Lord of the Rings than I do designers. But that's me and why would I want to change that. Why did I want to change that?
Why did I want to change who I was just to be liked by someone those who don't like who they are?
We all want to feel accepted, to feel important. I get it. We want to ignore the things that we hate about ourselves but if we opened our eyes they are the reasons others love us. What are your imperfections? What are the ways that you feel insecure? Take them and turn them in to the reasons you are different and beautiful. We have to start loving ourselves more than just a selfie, more than a blog post, more than what a crush says to us. We have to start seeing the things that make us truly amazing. I need to stop messing with my imperfections and love them for what they are...my own personal perfections.