I am and have always been a hopeful romantic. Love was always something that inspired and intrigued me. It was always amazing to me that you could give your heart to someone and they would return the favor. Sadly this image got broken down over the years. In my twenties my impulsive nature and desire to have a wildfire love got me into a lot of trouble.
I chased after every "bad boy" I could. I wanted to be the change they desired, the wild fire that kept them in check. I wanted to rule over the city and be a power couple. So I got exactly what I asked for, and I was not prepared. The bad boys I was chasing after were exactly that, bad. They weren't alphas, leaders or had any real ambition. These guys ended up being abusive, controlling and got me into soooooooo much trouble.
While the perks of dating the bad boys were fun; club owners knowing our names, VIP tables, and free food/drinks. I also dealt with the many repercussions. I was addicted to the entertainment, attention and false sense of power.
One of the main things that effected me throughout these years was the mental abuse I received. While it may be easy for some to say, "it's in the past, don't bring it to your future," I will always have certain scars that won't go away. When dealing with someone that not only has had experiences with physical abuse but mental as well, we often find ourselves contradicting each and every thought.
When you're a victim of abuse you find yourself feeling broken, because that's exactly how you're attacker wants you to feel. You're told what to wear, how to act, what to say, and sometimes what to think. So when you finally break free from that cycle you continue to second guess yourself. You are constantly reminded of how you aren't good enough and most of the time are reminded of how lucky you are to be in a relationship with that person.
You experience things such as; anxiety, depression, displacement of feelings, gas lighting, body shaming and more. It's a constant cycle of building them up the more they tear you down. They make you feel as if everything they do wrong is your fault somehow. And sadly you apologize for everything bc of this.
Now, in this thirty something chapter of my life I am taking the time to undo the years of scars I have allowed to be placed on me. I have learned one important thing, we aren't made to feel broken. We aren't here to be unloved, damaged or put down to make others feel better. So what does it mean when someone says they feel broken? How to we repair ourselves when we think we're damaged? How do we allow ourselves to trust again?
When someone says they feel broken, it usually means that they've been put down so much that they forget the pieces that make them special. Sadly for most people coming out of abusive relationships it goes way beyond mending pieces back together. This person finds it hard to believe anything positive about themselves, they find it impossible for someone to love them. They don't understand why anyone would want to be with someone as crazy as they feel. It's a constant battle between wanting to be loved and scared for someone to try. And worse, they constantly fight their happiness. They feel as if anything happy is fake or short lived. They wait for that wrong turn around that wrong corner. Always waiting for the bottom to fall.
So how do we break the cycle? How is it that we wake up each day learning to try again? We have to start with ourselves. We have to learn that even though we feel damaged and broken that there is still something to love about ourselves. No matter how bitter or insecure we get, there is always hope.
Loving yourself when you feel broken (or damaged) can seem like a daunting task. It can feel as if you're staring at yourself in along dark cave. Wanting to reach out but also not knowing how to accept the hand. It can feel as if you are all alone but nothing special. And sometimes it takes good friends to pull you out and help get you back on track.
It's a long road but know that you can do it. You aren't meant to live life feeling as if you're just waiting for something to happen or old age to creep upon you. You are meant to feel unloved because you are love. We are all beautiful and this world has just eaten up what makes us perfectly imperfect. We don't need to look better, work certain roles, live certain ways, just to feel accepted, just to feel love. You can overcome this. Even as I struggle with this everyday, I know in my heart that as long as I can learn to love myself, I can also love others.
To all the people who would love a person who feels broken, it can be tough at times. We constantly need reassurance, our insecurities are like daggers and the most important part is the understanding. We will second guess ourselves all the time, we are forever wondering why you chose to be with us (friend or significant other), we will find ways to push you away as to protect ourselves. It isn't because we don't want you, it isn't because we want you to be upset with us and leave, we feel as if it's the only understanding we know. What we see at the end of our struggle is the fact that you're still standing there waiting for us. So for all of you that put up with our growth and development we are more grateful than you'll realize.
To to all those that feel damage, broken or unwanted. You are loved. It may not be in a way that you quite understand yet but it's there. Keep at it, keep trying. It will be hard and sometimes you'll feel as if you want to give up, but just keep going.
Much love over and hugs guys!
"Magic only comes to those who believe in it."
Hi, I'm Bex!
Loves Hot Pink
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