"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon." -Sally Owens
Reasons I love being single:
At 33 just 5months shy of my 34th birthday, single and about to move half way across the country. I have spent many nights laying awake wondering why, what, and how I am still single at this age. While most of my friends are literally getting married and having babies, I find it harder and harder to relate to anyone around me.
I wonder how I got this far and still remember each and every relationship I've had since I was a teenager. I have spent years bullying and blaming myself. I have spent nights crying over the wrong person only to wake up in the morning and regret ever letting them in my heart. I battle insecurities and baggage from my past wondering what I could do differently. The reality of it all and possibly one of the hardest parts, being single in your thirties can often be very lonely.
This past year I have done some major soul searching and growth when it comes to celebrating being single. While I have many people applaud and salute me for my status, I still am the same hopeful romantic I was 17 years ago. I still hurt, I still look on happy couples with longing and wishes for the same. I still cry with bitterness during mushy scenes when watching my favorite movies. I am after all human.
It is as if there is a constant battle inside. Half of me enjoys my freedom, enjoys the unbridled wildness that my spirit can let out, the half that is happy being with her self, by herself. But then there's the other half, the one that dreams of love, the one that wishes on stars that prince charming is real and waiting to be rescued.
The promise of tomorrow
While loneliness and heartache are the dark side to being single at this age, there is always a bright side. I look at all the work that I have put into growing and bettering myself over the years. The stories that I have from my twenties that developed me as a person into my thirties. I look at all the choices and chances that I still can make or take.
In your twenties you feel so rushed. You're rushed to go to college, rushed to find a job, and as a woman you are rushed into kids/marriage. We get pressured by the outside world (and personal worlds) so much that it takes years to undo the damage. When you do, you suddenly realize you have your whole life to live.
You slowly look at the past as the starting grounds for getting the life you deserve and desire. I look back at my past relationships and wow, seriously wtf was I thinking. Alas we can't turn back time, change a memory or force love to enter someone's heart. No matter how many candles we light or spells we cast.
I've gotten used to eating alone, taking myself out, and being the only single person in my group friends. The one thing I still have yet to understand (does any of us), is modern dating. We live in a world where finding the "next best thing" is just a swipe or click away. Dealing with a dating pool the size of a small island, things can increasingly seem dismal.
In your thirties you have very little time for the bs of dating and dealing with, what's the term...oh yeah, f*<kb0ys. You have come to realize how precious time is, especially your own. I have been let down so many times by the nonsense of what dating is today. You don't play games which many still enjoy playing. You don't care for waiting to call, you don't care about time frames, and you certainly don't care for people who play you.
I have learned that feeling guilty for doing what you want or saying how you feel, is nonsense. If you want to call someone, call. If you like someone, like them. I've learned how ridiculous it is to waste time pining over someone who isn't sure about what they want. I refuse to believe to settle for anyone who doesn't fully want to love me.
Learn that you are an amazing person and are worthy of love. You are not broken and you certainly don't need to change for anyone. You are perfectly imperfect with all your flaw and all your gifts..
Always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder. Keep rosemary by your garden gate. Plant roses and lavender, for luck. Fall in love whenever you can.”
― Practical Magic